I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
