Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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