It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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