y did u give ur computer a hand job?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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