the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
