I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
