Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
