You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
