I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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