Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
