my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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