So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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