batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
