and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
