you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
