good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
