My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize