he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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