Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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