Got a toothbrush?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
