just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
