Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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