remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
