we're chasing vodka with high fives
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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