i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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