Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So. Much. Porn.
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