So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
