tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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