he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
