She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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