i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
