Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
