I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
