i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
