Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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