I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
