got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
