My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
