update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
