White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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