I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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