I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
