Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
