god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
