we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
