I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
