3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Duck Duck Cougar?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
