My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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