i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Everything about him screamed your future.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
