I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
