I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
