Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
