Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
