One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
