I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
