Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
