hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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