That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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