i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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