I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Randomize
