Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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