I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
