I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
