Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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