I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
