i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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